Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Clarity.

I'm a Christian.

Just thought I'd put that out there, because I've only recently realized it.Of course, to look at my history, I've been one for a long time. For instance:
When I was five, I prayed the prayer at a VBS because everyone around me did.

When I was 12, I had what I would call later on a "spiritual epiphany" because of something my little sister said that convicted me deeply, and caused me to rededicate.

When I was 16, I had a mountaintop experience at a weeklong camp. To date, that's the closest I ever felt to God, and I thought I'd never be the same.

When I was 17, my family fell apart. It took a year to piece it back together.

When I was 18, I wandered and never came back.

When I was 22, I had a baby.

You may ask what happened with my family. Suffice it to say that when my parents' relationship got in trouble, everything else fell apart too.

Not that I blame them for my stepping away from the faith. It's just that I've been doing some soul-searching lately, and I believe that that event in my life is where everything started going downhill. My teen years were plagued by depression and a lot of hiding, because I didn't feel like I had anyone I could trust. I turned to God, and somehow didn't get what I thought I needed. So I turned to other things. Friends fell through, family had fallen apart, so what was left? Love. I threw myself into loving whichever poor soul my heart and feelings chose. The first few attempts fell through because the feelings weren't returned. When I went to college, however, I met a guy who could return those feelings in the way I thought I needed. I threw myself into our relationship, and then my feelings seemed to fade. I tried to push on, but in the end I couldn't keep it afloat because I didn't have the feeling I wanted. So I moved on, leaving him brokenhearted behind me.
And so a pattern was created. I would stay with someone for awhile, then the feeling would fade away and I would leave them, brokenhearted and empty-handed. Until one.
He was the quintissential bad boy. At least, as bad as I was willing to go. He played pool at the local pool hall, smoked, and fooled around with girls on a regular basis. I still to this day wonder how I didn't catch every disease in the book from him. He came onto me when I was recovering from the only time I have ever been dumped, and not done the dumping. I wsa vulnerable, and I thought I was in love. He was the first guy to get my clothes off, and we fooled around on a regular basis. I think it was more the thrill of the forbidden that got me started on that: I had been raised in a Christian home, and had been taught the ways of that life. I guess the fact that this was so far out of my range of ideas that I didn't have an argument why not, so I did it. We never went all the way- although that's no excuse, and we did everything but- and that's how I justified it. I wasn't really doing anything that was going to get me in trouble, because it wasn't home base. That was my logic, and it was terribly flawed.
He abused me. Not phsyically, mind you, and that's how I always justified him: he never hit me. But I have discovered that there are other ways of abusing someone, and he used them all. It got to the point where I couldn't even talk to a friend of the opposite sex because he would get jealous and yell at me. We got engaged, but it didn't stop then. It got worse. My family drew away from me, because they were scared of him. My friends deserted me because they hated him. I hated him, but couldn't leave him for fear that he would hurt me. I cried myself to sleep at night because I was deserted by everyone who loved me. I had no friends, no life outside of him. I struggle with that to this day , and feel still like I was the cause instead of the victim.
Then one day I was lying in bed in my dorm, and I heard a voice in my head. It said to break up with my fiance. And I did. I never thought about why I obeyed at the time, but I just did. I realize now that that was the voice of God.
I had not really thought about God before then. At least, not in the sense of how He related to me. I was attending a Christian college at the time, and so God was everywhere I went. But it didn't occur to me to think of Him with regards to me personally. I relied on my knowledge of theology, which was by this time quite extensive, to see me through. Even after that incident, I put Him back in the abstract: He was there and real, but He was not part of my life in any integral way.
After my fiance was out of the picture, I met another man. Actually, I had known him before: we were at the same school. He was the friend of a friend, and we ran in the same circle. We began talking, became friends, and eventually added benefits.We fooled around for a month or two, then decided to date officially. During this time, we rounded home base. He followed me back home to a closer school, and we made a habit of it. I still don't know why we did it. We were talking about getting married, and thought it was a sure thing. I had learned by now that love was not so much a feeling but a commitment. A commitment I was scared to make. You see, all this time I had added something to my feeling of love that I thought made it real. For one, it was religion. Another, the lack thereof. Another, a choice. For the last one, it was sex. I thought that made it real. I thought that act would keep us afloat. What I hadn't counted on was the fact that I had found another abuser. He got angry, a lot. Not always undeserved, but always horrible. He would make me cry and beg for him not to leave me as he laughed on the other end of the phone. And yet, half the time he was the picture of sweetness. Then that would come back. It was a vicious cycle.
But I didn't leave him. We stayed together for over a year. In which time, I found out I was pregnant.
Long story short (I know, too late) I left him and had my baby. And now....
What? How does this all tie into my declaration at the beginning? Funny you should ask.
Lately, I've been comtemplating my past, as it pertains to my future. I figured out when everything started, but I've been working on the why. And I think I've finally figured it out.It was the Godlessness.
Before I went down this wild and crazy path, I was the epitome of sainthood. At least, as saintly as any fallen human being could be. I did it all right. I made good grades, I didn't talk back, I told the truth: I had it all. My parents, teachers, and family friends held me up as an example of how a child should behave. And I thought that this was all I needed: behavior. As long as I behaved right, I was living the Christian life. So when everything in life started to fall through, then I turned to something else, thinking my religion was what has caused the falling through of my entire life basis. And it was, at least the lack of it was.

So now, here I am. I've now realized what was wrong all along. Now to fix it.
How?

As a kid, and as a young adult, I always thought that being "on fire" for God meant being completely out there and crazy for Him. People I had seen who were said to be living the Christian life couldn't really live because they were too busy being overzealous and telling everyone they saw. After all, that was my experience. I'm generally a private person, especially when it comes to my religion. So this did not appeal to me. I wanted something where I could tell people who wanted to listen, not who were simply within earshot.
But I have since seen how to live a life according to God's will without being overly dramatic about it. You simply live your life right. Don't flaunt it, but don't hide it. If someone wants to hear, you tell them. Be in the world, but not of it. I never understood that theological ideal until now. It's a balance. You can be in the world, and partake in its joys, but only in the context God has placed. You can tell people, but only if God opens their ears. It's a wonderfully freeing way to live. And it solves the root of my problems.
So, if all you've seen is people yelling and screaming in praise of God, and that turns you off from this, then this is a different and maybe more appealing way to live. Because having boundaries is something everyone needs. God provides that. He has laid it all out. He says do this, and you can enjoy life. So that's what I intend to do.

Peace. :-)

Love, Lust, and Lullabies

So, I'm going to rant today. Just a fair warning so you can tune out if you don't want to listen.





Still here?





Good. Here goes then. From the title of this blog, you're probably wondering where I could possible be going with this. But it really does all tie together, sort of. Those three L's pretty much are all stupid. Starting with the first, I'll explain why:



Love: As a hopeless romantic, and a believer in soulmates and true love, I'm really let down by the quality of the men in the world. True, there are stil good ones out there, but they're few and far between. But don't try to tell them that. They really believe that they're treating us right.
Let me explain what I mean by that. Let's say you just got into a relationship with a guy that seems great. He does all the little romantic things you want a guy to do for you, and you find yourself falling for him. This feeling gets deeper and deeper, and you think to yourself, "This must be love." So you tell him that you love him and, surprise of all surprises, he says it back. So you go along, and then things start to change. He begins to be jealous and he gets angry all the time, and you start fighting. It gets worse and worse, and finally you can't take it anymore, so you end it. Then he cleans up his act and wants you back. What do you do then? It depends on your feelings. If you still "love" him, then you go back. If the feeling's gone, you don't. Right?
Now tell me: does that sound like love? It's not. But guys don't seem to understand that love doesn't mean that you are exclusively his. No friends, no family: no one else is important. Not even your child.
Guys don't seem to get that. Either you're theirs completely, or they don't want you at all. It's a crazy situation, but it happens. That's how we end up on our own, with a baby. So, if a guy ever says they love you, make sure you explore what kind of love they have. Because love is work, not a feeling. It's a commitment, and it takes serious effort. They have to be able to let you be your own person, and have other friends. Otherwise, it's not healthy. Period.

Lust: This is kind of along the same lines at the Love rant, but a little different. This is pretty much specifically to all you single moms out there. Do guys assume you're an easy target?
Sexually, I mean. I work in an environment where I get to know people from all walks of life, guys and girls. And some of the guys that work with me seem to think nothing of walking up to me and offering their, ahem, "services". They seem to think that because I have a kid I'm going to fall at their feet and beg for them to take me. Is this your experience? I'd like to think it's not because I have self-confidence issues, but because guys are douchebags sometimes. I mentioned this to someone, and they told me it was because I was not confident enough in myself, and therefore seemed desperate. I'm not really sure what to think here, but I know that I don't like being thought of as easy. Because I'm very much not. And I don't like the fact that guys can look at a woman as something to use for their own pleasure and purpose. I am a human being, and not a piece of meat to be trampled underfoot. So there.

Lullabies: This is going off on a tangent, but still a problem. Have you ever actually listened to the words of some of the classic lullabies and children's songs? For example:

Rock-a-bye baby, on the treetop
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall
And down will come baby, cradle and all.

Did you read that? It's talking about the baby falling from the top of a tree because the branch that some hapless mother placed the cradle on broke. This is too dark for a child to think of while they're going to sleep! What are we thinking? Who wrote this? It's creepy and morbid.
And what about Ring around the Rosy? Sure, on the superficial it seems harmless, but the meaning behind it makes it horrendous.
Let's break it down line by line:

Ring around the Rosy
In the Dark Ages, an epidemic occured that is now known as the Black Plague. This disease caused sores all over the body that had a ring of red around a dark red center.

Pocket full of posies
So many people died of this disease that the burials didn't occur fast enough, so living people carried posies in their pockets to ward of the smell of rotting flesh.

Ashes, ashes
The people in Europe were so afraid of this disease that they burned people who had died in an effort to keep the disease from spreading.

We all fall down!
Unfortunately, even the burning of disease-ridden corpses didn't stop the spread of the plague, and nearly 1/3 of the population of Europe died from this fearsome sickness.

...need I say more?


There you go. My rant is over. Agree with me or not, that's how I feel. I'll leave you to digest my thoughts for a while. :-) Peace.